I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
