he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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