I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So gin and wine won't be happening again
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize