it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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