I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
