I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
