I wish I could teleport
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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