Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
