Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
