everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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