Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
