I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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