the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
