Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize