Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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