It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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