i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
