I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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