and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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