I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize