If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
