This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
