Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
