he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
