I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
