I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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