Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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