I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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