There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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