I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
