So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he was CRYING into my vagina
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
