I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The air taste purple.
Randomize
