made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
