I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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