The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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