don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
