last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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