I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
