He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i believe in u and ur pee
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize