he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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