He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
