Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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