new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
foreskin is a definite game changer
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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