Is it because I queefed?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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