Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
