i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
