Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
