If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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