Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
