Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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