She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
