I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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