how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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