you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
